We feel you dear one, and know your confusion about life. Seems whichever direction you go ends in defeat. You are a people pleaser, always have been you know. And though your kindness does come back in your direction (really it does), your happiness is being attacked. And what is there in life other than happiness? Everything everyone wants, everything everyone does, is all for happiness. Even when we are mean to each other, we think, ‘Well, this will make me happy’. The problem is, in general people are lousy at choosing the direction to become happy. And you, dear one are within that general population.
This being said, we want you to know that you make yourself sad in order to receive the will to step outside your own comfort zone to finally say, ‘I Matter! I have a say-so in my life/happiness! I cannot please everyone, but I can please myself!’ We know you hear us, but you block us when you follow up with, ‘But this will hurt their feelings, so I will just put myself second to them.’
It is time dear one to take a good look at yourself, because no matter which side you choose, they all hurt at some level. For you have not figured out how to love thyself, so your messages sent to others are confusing. If you truly want to help other’s happiness, make yourself happy for any other direction is just a lie to yourself and to them.
Be open to admitting your feelings to those who are hurting, for that opens the door for the others to realize you are struggling also. In telling them your pain you are able to justify to them (and to yourself) your actions to accept your own happiness… even if this hurts your loved ones. You see your struggle is related to their struggle, for if they are depending on you to find their own happiness; they are traveling down the wrong road.